This crazy ocean

Third time's a charm. I bought another boat in January and in April I made it here. Standing under the pier watching the waves come in and out. My first thought's I wasn't wrong, it's still the same dream blue and white, the colors so strong that was how I could think I'd had it wrong for the past year, just like I thought I had it wrong last time. You did things to me, I always thought. Like you made everything brighter and warmer and stronger. Miami and Junior's and our little green boat. Except I guess Cayo Bravo doesn't need it. Cause apparently it's still part of a dream, even when you're not here.

But it's still different from the second time I came back. The second time I was still in love with you. I cried right here, right into the ocean. Everything was blue inside me and out. We were tied up here for five days waiting for Octavio to come take the load off our hands, and every day was torture. Because the memory was so strong. You and me here one year before, you in your panties at the wheel, blonder than the sun, tying up I was so happy I was dizzy that we had this whole island to ourselves and our hash and we were in love. Had so much sex there wasn't hardly any time to smoke. I remember the white sand sticking to your skin like you were covered in sugar, just a big donut out of the oven, warm and ready to eat. I remember that more than the real things we did.

You wouldn't have sold me out in San Juan. If you'd been there we would have found another boat, gotten out. I tried to call you from the jail cause I didn't know you were already gone. Don't know what you would have done for me except make me think everything's all right, I guess. It was all over anyhow. Took me almost a year to get out of that place and get back in Miami. But it took me a lot longer than that to feel better. Seems like I just couldn't get myself together.

When I had to come back here last year with the crew it just about killed me. I was shooting up, then, nobody was stopping me. Right where we rolled around under the pier. Five days here trying to make it all go away.

Things must be changed now though because I don't feel like throwing myself into the ocean anymore. Or getting high. The drowning feeling that made me feel like I was choking just standing here is gone, all there is is this sweet blueness inside and out. You left a big hole. But I can smile because it's all so sweet now, thinking of you and me here two years ago. I wanted to come here a third time because I had to fix how the second time was and because I had to say goodbye. And I wanted to know, I guess, if it was really over. If I could be here and not want to kill myself. It's over. So our love affair is over. So I guess I can let go of everything now, the drugs and Junior's, get out of Miami and do something else with this new boat. And I'll just know that it always looked like this, it wasn't me being high or high on how you made me feel. Someplace there is a place that looks just like this. This crazy ocean.

Googled "Third time's a charm" and went off this image.